As our journey continues this summer, we arrive at one of the most intimidating yet liberating thresholds on the heroic path of recovery: Step Eight. By this point, our traveler has done the quiet, difficult work of self-reflection and building character, acquiring a degree of humility, or what psychiatrist Harry Tiebout famously called "ego deflation at depth." Now we face the vital task of making a list and becoming willing to make amends. It's completely natural to feel resistance here. Fear, shame, and embarrassment are powerful roadblocks that tell us to turn back. But as we explore in this month's reflections, including the timeless story of Jacob crossing the river to face Esau, a daily meditation on healing relationships, and a review of the moving new book When We Forgive, we don't have to let those painful feelings dictate our future.
Step Eight isn't yet about the external act of apologizing. It's about cultivating the willingness within your heart to let go of blame and begin setting things right. I hope these resources offer you the courage and compassion to take this next brave step toward serenity.
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
We have arrived at another decision point on the heroic journey of recovery. We have quit drinking, drugging, gambling, or whatever, placed ourselves under the guidance of the twelve-step program, and are working our way towards deciding to carry our self-improvement project further. We are told that the next step of our healing journey involves setting things right with others, with people whom we have deceived, cheated, neglected, abused, or harmed in a myriad of ways. Nobody wants to endure the shame, fear, or embarrassment that such a process will engender. On the heroic journey of recovery, we once again must deal with our reluctance to continue with the task. We find the courage to continue through having discussions with our sponsor and others who have already completed this step. We may also have benefited through hearing the stories of others who share their experiences at meetings, and through reading some of the stories in the back of the Big Book. They all assure us that upon completion of steps eight and nine they experienced a great sense of relief. At this point no amends must be made (although as a practical matter, many amends have already been made.) ....
On the heroic journey of recovery, the reluctance to continue the journey occurs with every step of the way. Fear underlies this resistance, and when it comes to making amends, this shows up in spades. Fear of material or relationship loss is prominent if there are confessions of cheating or stealing to confront. As a practical matter, sometimes it is wise to delay such amends making. Counsel from a sponsor, therapist, or wise friend can help in such circumstances. However, the main other reason motivating this resistance is the fear of shame and embarrassment. These feelings are painful, and it is understandable that we want to protect ourselves from them.
Up to this point on our journey, we have stopped drinking, drugging, gambling or whatever, made some kind of connection with a higher power, made a “fearless and. ...
“There is no place for blame in human relationships.” - Pat Kilty
"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - Joseph Campbell
“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” - Gautama Buddha
On the Bookshelf - When We Forgive – Life to Paper Publishing
I learned of this collection of stories from my colleague, Dr. Vera Tarman, who contributed one of the fifteen well-written stories in this volume. They are stories written by people who experienced trauma, suffered in the aftermath for years, and finally learned to release the pain through forgiveness. Most of the stories reveal troubled childhoods, including parental alcoholism, neglect or abuse. In some of the stories the writers talked of their own addictions, and how they in turn hurt others. All the writers experienced a measure of recovery from the painful trap of resentment, guilt, and self-hate....
I speak on addiction recovery as a heroic journey -reframing struggle as a call to adventure, purpose, and transformation. My talks are grounded in lived experience, clinical perspective, and the spiritual principles of the twelve steps.
Programs can be tailored for:
• Treatment centers and recovery programs • Mental health and behavioral health professionals • Faith-based communities • Veterans groups • Civic and community organizations
Events may be held in person or virtually.
If you would like to explore a speaking engagement, simply reply to this newsletter or reach out through my website. I welcome the conversation.
As always, if you know someone facing their own roadblocks who might benefit from these words, share this newsletter them. We heal in community. Until next time, walk gently, with courage.
— Mike
Dr. Michael Cowl Gordon, Black Magic Ln, Marietta, GA 30064
